Is it really that hard to have an interesting two-way, face-to-face conversation nowadays, you ask?

Yes, dear reader, it is.

Faux conversations are in vogue. They occur when one person, interested only in conveying a vast amount of information he or she considers exceedingly consequential, dominates the discourse. It is not a verbal exchange. These are not Thoughtful Speakers. They are, in a word, wearying. And, to add insult to injury, Faux Conversationalists are, in general, Faux Listeners.

One could just weep.

Wordmistress posits that this is a time when the world desperately needs Good Listeners to listen to Thoughtful Speakers, and Thoughtful Speakers to know how to engage Good Listeners. So before Wordmistress is tempted to stop talking with people altogether, or at least drastically narrow the field, she shall, in her quest to be helpful in the world, make a few necessary suggestions.

Speakers

• Be thoughtful. Don’t ramble. Conversations with people who think and are able to articulate their thoughts are fascinating and, if not sought after, should be. 
• Be mindful of the interests of the person to whom you are speaking. If you go on and on about about the latest outrage in the news to someone who is adamantly apolitical, you will not be sought after.
• Make room in your remarks for the other person to respond. (WM considered also underlining and highlighting the last sentence.) At some point, it may be good to ask, for example: “What do you think?” “Have you ever been there?” “Have you met. . .?” This acknowledges both the presence of the Good Listener and your good manners.

Listeners

• Really listen when someone —hopefully a Thoughtful Speaker— is talking to you. This relic of genteel conversation occurs less and less frequently. Maintain eye contact and nod your head appropriately. Be interested, or at least maintain a posture of being interested.
• Ask follow–up questions. The follow-up question is not dead, but it is sickly. Good Listeners allow questions to form in their minds about what is being said, and then ask them. Wordmistress assures you this is a skill not difficult to master. It is also likely that WM will find it necessary to address this particular point again in the future.

Unfortunately, there is another common phenomenon about which Wordmistress must caution you. When finding yourself in the company of a Faux Conversationalist, remember that they are rarely Good Listeners. When a small opening appears in the conversation for you to make a comment or observation, one must be prepared for the likelihood that: 

• • • they will start checking purse or pants pocket for their phone, or
    • their eyes will shift to something over your shoulder or around the room or,
    • more likely, to the phone in their hand.

Some years ago, WM was having what she thought was a pleasant conversation with a woman at a conference. Someone came up and said something quietly to the woman that seemed to be, “You are needed elsewhere.” She turned and walked away. Gone. WM was left stunned, mid-word, with her mouth hanging open. Rather than making her resentful, it made her more determined than ever not to be one of those people.

Another Most Alarming Virus

Wordmistress now finds it necessary to deal with one of the most virulent conversational practices: the dreaded Story–topping. 

Story–topping occurs when one person shares an experience. It may be surprising, astonishing, or even shocking. Or tender, unexpected, miraculous. Such experiences should inspire, indeed require, a follow–up question. This signals that the listener was paying attention and focused on the story. But no. The experience is causing the wheels to turn in the listener’s brain as they search for a similar experience that is even more surprising, astonishing, or even shocking than yours. It will be more tender, unexpected or miraculous. And they will commence telling it should you pause for a millisecond.

Story-topping is the measles of conversation and Wordmistress, with a touch of genteel outrage, states that it must be eradicated. 

A Note on Children

Wordmistress reads the statistics and is as alarmed as you are, most likely, regarding the effect of social media on the attention span of the population at large. She gently reminds parents that it is nevertheless possible to teach children at a fairly young age not to interrupt and to listen attentively when spoken to. It will take determined intentionality. But attentiveness and graciousness will always be appreciated throughout ones life. Start early.

And now WM, ever watchful on the wall of rewarding conversation, retires briefly for a cup of tea and, perhaps, a cookie. 

Wordmistress would enjoy hearing your response to her observations and counsel. And you are most welcome to share it